i'm a thirty year old woman, with no house of my own, no car, no work, not married, no children and almost broke. i have no cool mobile phone, i don't have a gold ring or any valuable jewelry, no trendy shoes or stylish clothes, my resumes average and i haven't gone to the spa for good two years.

i could go on and on, there' s a long list, actually of the many, that i don't have. To add up, i never became a Doctor as i promised my old man and i never paid anything for him. there's a lot of the disappointments and frustrations i have for myself and there's nothing i can do about it. sometimes i think am i that loser who eats corned beef for breakfast lunch and dinner? who does not have work and takes a bath once in a day?

while writing this self loathing essay to myself, my two months half syberian husky baby comes to me and licks my foot asking for milk. i go to the fridge pours him a milk and waits for him to drink, instead me licks me and puts his left paw to my lap as if saying everything's gonna be fine. he then proceeded drinking his milk snack delight. that got me thinking, i have a breed dog who loves and adores me, i have a lappy, a tv, a blender(which i won on a gambling night) and a topsider shoes. Does that count for anything? I have a 9 yr relationship and faithfull partner, i have supportive sisters and comforting brothers. i have a prayerful dada who prays for me 24/7 and a mom who loves and guides me all through out.

yeah i can perhaps convince myself somehow that it will be alright. after all i do wake up every morning with sense of urgency to do something about me, only after thirty years its the same, but thats good right? i mean, atleast i wake up.

so next time i feel all peppered up, i will tell my self, " count your blessings!!!! u eat 3x a day and u have ruppie in your wallet!" ( not to mention dollars$$$$$$)

pieces

foot&feet

When I was a kid, I used to think that Christmas means gift, gifts and more gifts,
And then I thought that it also means food and foods and more foods,
Not to mention the endless fountain of drinks with different flavors.
Childish, selfish and satisfactory.

And then I grew slightly older than when I was a kid,
And I realized that apart from gifts and foods and fountain of drinks,
I am supposed to greet everyone joyous holidays and happy new year,
With the obedience of singing them Christmas medley until you are dismissed.

Then I grew to be a big kid, older than the slightly older kid,
And I learned that you are supposed to share the foods and drinks
With the less fortunate ones, like your puppy and the kitty
But at least you get to keep your gifts.

And then I grew up, slightly older than the big kid
And I saw that world is such a horrible place, filthy and noisy
And that Santa is just a fiction and that sock with gifts are not true
And so I just wept for me and you

And then when I was truly older land I was no longer a kid
I realized that it makes a truly kindred soul to be compassionate
And that the world could be a better if you make it a happier place
Just like as it is childish, selfish and satisfactory

And then when you are truly, truly older than the older kid.
Christmas would mean foods and more foods, fountain of drinks
With Christmas medley, sharing it to the less and equally fortunate
And the best part, you still get to keep your gift and gifts and more gifts!

dot

i smell the scent of peppermint cigar
its lovely,alluring and sensual
it makes me think of so many things
like an open field of lilies and daisies

i smell the scent of buttersauce
like caramel, breathtaking delicious
it makes me think of so many things
like a buffet of candies and pastries

and now im hungry
my class will start in 6 minutes
my prof will be angry
if i come in late

footsong

I'm tuggin' at my hair

I'm pullin' at my clothes

I'm trying to keep my cool

I know it shows

I'm starin' at my feet

my cheeks are turnin red

I'm searchin' for the words

inside my head

I'm feelin' nervous

Tryin' to be so perfect

Cuz i know yur worth it

Yur worth it yeah

If i could say what i wanna say

I'd say i want blow you...

AWAY

Be with u every night

Am i squeezing u too tight?

If i could say what i wanna see

I wanna see u go down...on one knee

Marry me today

Guess i'm wishing my life away

With these things i'll never say

It don't do me any good

It's just a waste of time

What use is it to u

whats on my mind

If it ain't comin out

we're not goin anywhere

So why can't i just tell u that i care

Cuz im feelin nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cuz i know yur worth it

If i could say what i wanna say
I'd say i want blow you...
AWAY
Be with u every night
Am i squeezing u too tight?

If i could say what i wanna see
I wanna see u go down...on one knee
Marry me today
Guess i'm wishing my life away
With these things i'll never say

What is wrong with my tounge?

these words keep slippin away

I stutter

I stumble like

i've got nothin to say

Things I'll Never Say

Avril Lavigne

smooches

i am listening to MASAYA by bamboo. you know that song? well i just figured that faling in love is complicated really. i mean you wouldnt understand what it really meant until you experienced it yourself. as one of my prof said, nobody is expert about pain but the person experiencing it.
well back to the song, it reminds me of the younger years when i was less smarter and more fragile and more vulnerable, time when i had to smoke and get drunk just to express that i am hurt. i am smiling now bcoz i realized that i actually did some foolish things just to get even bcoz i was dumped. OMG! i was dumped! ahahahaha. that's cool. atleast i was dumped. coem to think of it i dumped someone too, well i guess we're even.
i did not cry when that guy dumped me. i did not laugh though.
how many times did i fall in love? countless.
how many times did i find love? countless.
how many times did love find me? once.
i may never be able to say this ever again.
"to my guy, thank you for finding me. thank you for completing me.thank you for giving the right reasons to live and be happy. thank you for saving me."
in a million years, i hope that i could give back what love has given me...
a beautiful life.
true enough, "ang pag-ibig, masaya"

raining wet

one thing that makes me scream and jump over the thorned fence is jello. yes people jello. with its sour bitter honey taste that seems to melt in your mouth and is hugged and loved by your tongue.. yeah yeah... i know m crazy. what can i do? i was born this way, raised this way,lived this way. i miss the life i had before but it doesn't mean that i wanna go back to my old ways. its much harder to ignore the fact that i am healthier, happier and peaceful. although i cant go like i used to, all those crazy dusk to dawn parties, drink till you drop,smoke till u cant breath way of life, its much easier to deal with the fact that i am living for a reason and that my life now has finally found it purpose and direction. it sounds so responsible and mature to have finally said this but my dear friends its more fulfilling to actually experience it. its like in the end of the day as you go by your prayer( yes i do pray often now) and ask yourself `what have i done and finished today?`
for so many reasons in the world i chose not to be here, resisted the idea of ever living here even for a while, thinking i would loose my mind and that i will be bored, begged the almighty father not to ever bring me here. the ending, I'm here, having the time of my life, having a blast of every moment. for every bone in my body resisted, yet m here in very place I resented and God said I'll be here until i learn the lesson i keep on missing and until i finally see the light. i wake in the morning with a prayer and sleep at night with a prayer, smiling to myself thinking that God really is weird. weird and cool. weird , cool and exasperating. weird, cool, exasperating and mighty awesome.He knows and HE gives a damn.have a happy life! shaw!

happy feet

me and my bes bud have this weird happy level check. its like we always or if not from time to time remind each other to stay happy, choose to be happy and decide to be happy. it works for me really, and i guess it works for her as well coz she keeps ranting about it... hehehe( lav u ice)

me and my bes bud are the best. we always have a special treatment for everything else. like the way we drink beer or the way we smile or the way we accomodate people. (gosh bes... we're so much alike!!!!!). one thing i like about my bes bud is that she has this special way of laughing when she's really really light.. she snorts. yes my friends(and enemies) my bes bud snorts!!!!!! and i have to reveal too that i snort as well... (yes bes i DO) and i snort when i laugh harder than hard.

and who cares if we snort like pigs? i like to snort. correction... i love to snort. i am happy that's why. and with all the love and happiness in the world who doesn't want smiling faces and happy snortings? and yes, we are happy snorting conniving bitches and who cares about noses that bleed from loneliness and dysfunctional brain with so much confusion, pain and self-pity to spread? i dont. do you?( i hope you read this cuz)

and though my bes buds single(n shes ever happy) and im willingly taken life is worth the risk worth everything. bcoz thats what lifes about. its about high level happiness, overflowing love, over boosting laughter and overdozes of snorting.

and with so much more its all about being happy.
as i think about my bes bud, my feets tapping in a happy rhythm... more like a happy feet.

foot wet

i am listening to the song of the 3 doors down which is the here without you, and i am suddenly lost. there are many things running through my head and i just cant form them into words.



i am thinking of my guy. the things we had, the plans, the love, the honesty, the faithfulness. i am thinking how much is left. will there be something for us? i've mentioned before... its really hard to make me stay. there are temptations... yes, but i try to stay away.



it gets harder as one grows old. somewhere , someday you have to commit whether you like it or not.no body said that it would so much hardwork and responsibility. nobody said it would take a lot of time and effort and self discipline. i miss being carefree and careless. its less complicated.



me myself and i. mighty trio. overrated. sigh..

iver learned something today. that a bottle of super mega over freezing beer fixes your unmanageble head and one stick of cigarrete wpuld make you smile and calm.....yey!

on the other side

i came across a tiny sheet of paper while i was fixin my old junks. it read...

dear daddy when i grow old i will be a doctor and i will cure ur sickness and i will take care of your bills and meds so you wont have to pay. love charmie

i cried. i am no doctor and i still havent paid for anything for my dad. life sucks...